A Review of iPhone Cases (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Plastic)

In the beginning, there was an iPhone. And God saw the phone was lonesome, and said “Let there be flimsy plastic cases, upon which the phone may rest its weary head.” Then, on the seventh day, God went to an AT&T store to complain about His spotty reception.

So, ok. iPhone cases. Do you really need one? The iPhone case people would have you believe that your fancy Apple device will shatter into a million pieces if you so much as graze the screen with a feather. But, actually, that’s probably true. iPhones are fickle creatures, prone to broken screens and the fatal disease of “water damage.” It’s not a matter of deciding if you need a case or not: it’s a matter of which bulky plastic thing is right for you. So today I’ll highlight two of my favorite options, because I know you, dear reader, care deeply about my passing thoughts on what I use to dress up my iPhone.

First on our list is the Incipio Bulbous Monstrosity CODE Triple Protection. The weird spots work as a makeshift stress reliever, I guess. The colors of it are interchangeable, so if you feel like a red bubble day rather than a blue bubble, well, you can do that. I dropped my iPhone a couple times with the case on, and it’s not dead yet. I guess that means the case works. I don’t know. If you buy this case, people might think your phone has a disease, or they might just think you’re passionate about bubbly things.

Next up is the TAVIK Time Case. It looks like this was stolen from Kanye West’s sunglasses’ cabinet and molded into a phone case. I don’t necessarily have a problem with that but I was walking down the street with my phone out and some dude asked me “How can one man have all that POWER” and I didn’t know what to say to him. So if you buy this case, be on the lookout for people who think you really like Kanye West. I don’t really like or dislike Kanye, and I don’t really like or dislike this case either. I tried the drop test with this case and it had the same results as the Incipio, so I can’t really recommend the safety of one over the other. I can recommend not dropping your phone on purpose, though. My iPhone will probably grow up stupid now, or something. I should’ve fed it breast milk instead of that formula crap. Why didn’t I listen to my parents? I mean, I’ve always thought highly of them. I’ve just never wanted to become them. But we all become our parents eventually, just in ways we don’t expect.

Sorry, what were we talking about?

Finally, Incipio also sent me an iPad Mini case. I don’t have an iPad Mini. This has been your review of Incipio’s iPad Mini case.

Anyway, iPhone cases are just another way to differentiate ourselves from the 7 billion other people on this Earth. Choosing an iPhone case will be the most important decision you will ever make in your entire life. For some people, finding an iPhone case is love on first sight; for others, it’s a long road of heartbreak and deception. Pray that you find a case that speaks to your heart and warms your soul before you die a cold, cold death. Alone. Amen.

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